Disturbia

I'm so frustrated with myself as of this moment. I feel like I can't do anything right. Every time I try to succeed I fail or I half-ass things. I'm tired of being so lazy or unmotivated. I hate how I turn a corner in life and I disappoint my parents, yet again. I'm on this crazy high way of life and took a wrong turn, and I should have taken a different route.

I just wish I could change, I feel like no matter how hard I try I seem to mess up time and time again. I'm so stressed with 'Oliver!' that I can't seem to focus on anything else. I have a math test tomorrow, which I'm completely unprepared for. My pop culture class is harder than I thought it would be and I failed a test because I couldn't understand what it was asking of me. I'm acing graphic design and choir which is a plus.

I really need help and swift kick on the rear.

-Memorize lines for Oliver!
-Study for Math test.
-Complete Math Homework 3
-Watch Crash
-Finish church video
-Exercise!
-Read Chapter 4 for Pop Culture

Is Anybody Listening

Being a friend to the opposite sex baffles me. A lot of people say that it is nearly impossible to be friends with the opposite sex without someone getting hurt on some level. One person starts to develop feelings and the other person remains friends. Or they might decide to try a different kind of relationship and more times than not, things fall apart. I'm on the fence with this. I have friends that are male who I've absolutley never considered for a romantic relationship, but that is a small percentage. If you give me a line-up of ten guys, nine out of ten of them, I will probably have liked them at one point in my life, even for a nanosecond, I've considered them. I don't know if this is normal or not, but that's how things have always been for me. I meet a boy and I consider him as an option. Then reality hits me upside the head and I come to my senses. I realize that he's too cocky. He doesn't like girls like me. He already has a girl-friend. His brother is cuter. He's a hypocrite. He doesn't have any morals. There's always something wrong with these guys. Always. Even the ones I manage to date, there's something wrong. One cared more about social power. One had anger issues. One couldn't overcome addiction. One was socially inept. One didn't understand. One couldn't tough things out. I just wish I could figure this all out sooner. Boys. Men. Whatever. They need things to spelt out for them. If you want something out of them, just ask. Beating around the bush, doesn't get you anywhere except behind the bush. I have no idea where this entry was going. I just felt like writing.

Twilight

My friend found this rant about Twilight. It cracks me up. :]

I can't say this enough: I. FUCKING. HATE. TWILIGHT. WITH. EVERY. FIBER. OF. MY. BEING.Since when is it okay for a guy to stalk you, insult you, steal your car engine, watch you SLEEP, threaten you, abuse you, and nearly RAPE you? Just because he thinks he's all that and a bag of lays because he happens to sparkle like Tinker Bell? I'm sorry, I missed the part about "vampires" being vegan and sparkling. I also missed the part where young women are supposed to be stupid enough to allow said pixiepire to walk all over them like they're some kind of fucking doormat. I'm sorry, but not everyone can be as perfect as Bella Sue; after all, not everyone is able to give up their hopes, dreams, and futures for a guy they've only known for two weeks who happens to like how they smell and would love to kill them.Dare I also add that the whole series not only glorifies sexism and domestic violence, but also pedophilia and necrophilia? Do I honestly want to watch a movie based on a 35-year-old woman's sick fantasy diary? Let me sum it up: EDWARD DOES NOT DAZZLE ME.

Screws fall out all the time, the world is an imperfect place.

I used to think that I had no regrets. I liked the position in life that I held and all of my decisions I made got me there. I'm in a part in my life where I'm not sure where I'm going and I don't even know how I'm supossed to get there? I hate that feeling of being lost. I do have a regret. I don't hold back, and I should. I need to be more careful who I give my love to. I need to think before I speak. I need to have goals and go after them. I have goals, but I never take them seriously. I'm very thankful to be alive and healthy. I have a roof over my head, and clothes on my body. I have a loving family and group of friends. Whenever I start to feel like this, I remember this quote from the movie 'Charlie Bartlett'. The character, Kip Crombwell, tries to commit suicide and Charlie Bartlett visits him after the matter.

Charlie Bartlett: I just think you're missing the big picture.
Kip Crombwell: What big picture?
Charlie Bartlett: The universe.
Kip Crombwell: What about the universe?
Charlie Bartlett: Well, the universe is a pretty big place.
Kip Crombwell: Yea. It's infinite, theoretically.
Charlie Bartlett: Right, which means there's probably life on other planets.
Kip Crombwell: Not life like we think, but yeah. Probably at least single-cell organisms.
Charlie Bartlett: Well, see, that's my whole point. I mean you could've been born a single cell organism on the planet Zortex. In fact, given the odds, it's probably more likely, but you weren't. You we're born a human being. And not just any human being in the history of human beings, but a human being that gets to be alive today. That gets to listen to all kinds of music, that gets to eat food from every culture, that gets to download porn off the internet. So really, you have everything to live for.
Charlie Bartlett: Do you feel better?
Kip Crombwell: Not really

I think things in my life could be a lto worse, and I know this. I'm just impatient to see the good in the future.

Remember the Name

So I've finally decided to start a blogger. I'm not exactly sure why, but since lately my other mediums of expression have gotten me into trouble, I figure this is best. A lot of people don't understand how my mind works and sometimes, I don't either. I write my thoughts out. If something is troubling me or I'm confused, I write. Even when I don't think I need to write about anything, something always comes out. Right now, I'm in a transitioning stage in my life. From getting out of a relationship, starting to develop my career goals, understanding my religion, finding more about my biological family, and finding out just exactly makes me happy. I'm finding myself all over again. I'm a twenty year old, community college student. I can't drive, yet my car is sitting in my driveway. I have no official job and I live with my family. I attend church and I'm a youth leader. I have a lot of friends, but only a few I can call close to me. So stay tuned. This is just an intro to the wonderfully, wacky and weird life of Amanda.