Saturday, June 27, 2009

Pretty Handsome Awkward

Talked to D today over some texts. He's coming to visit me in a week. I'm nervous/excited to see him, because I literally haven't seen him in five years. The fact that he still talks to me baffles me. He wants things to happen with us but I'm scared to let them happen. He works under very dangerous conditions and lives his life on the dangerous side, nothing super bad, but enough where he could die, that freaks me out, especially when he loves to remind me. I'm afraid I won't live up to his expectations. This is like A all over again. D says he's not going to be like the other guys and run away. That's a big deal to say, but I've heard it before. It's nothing new. They say they'll be there forever, and then BAM! gone.
Saw B today, he gave me butterflies, we were at the movies with some friends. I wish we could have talked more, but he had to leave. =[
A had dropped off the face of the planet, which is fine, except he owes me money and I need any I can get, I hate it when things get tight.

It's just weird.

Thursday, June 25, 2009

No One's Girl

I'm not going to sit on my butt waiting for some guy to sweep me off my feet. It's not going to happen, I guarantee it. At least for this time. I want someone to share my life with but show 'n tell isn't going on right now. I'm going to back control of my life and not let stupid boys dictate what I do and don't do. I'm not here to impress anyone. If A to date other girls, fine, guess I'm not that important to him. If D won't explain his random/cryptic text messages fine, I don't need his answers. If C doesn't want to be close, fine keep me at a distance. If B can't get over this other girl, I'd hate to see what I'd do to him. [I have no problems with E lol]

I'm not a side show, I'm the main performance.

Sunday, June 21, 2009

Trust

My problem is I don't really trust anyone. Trust is a word that gets thrown around too much. People tell me things and I just don't believe them. I always try to think there's a hidden agenda. A tells me he likes me. C tells me I'm cute. D tells me he wants to make things work.

A was acting like a kid but has now been moved to toddler status. He got laid off from his work and now has been turning to other motives of getting money. I don't agree with them but I don't want him to be homeless. He's opened up to me a little, I guess that's progress, I guess.

C and I have been having long conversations about his past. He was crushed by a girl and has clammed up since then. I see myself with him the most, because his past is heavy and I feel like I can talk to him on more than just a superficial level. I found these lyrics though, they describe us perfectly.

Mercy - Duffy

I love you
But I gotta stay true
My morals got me on my knees
I’m begging please stop playing games

I don’t know what this is
‘Cause you got me good
Just like you knew you would
I don’t know what you do
But you do it well
I’m under your spell

You got me begging you for mercy (yeah, yeah, yeah)
Why won’t you release me (yeah, yeah, yeah)
You got me begging you for mercy (yeah, yeah, yeah)
why won’t you release me (yeah, yeah, yeah)
I said release me (yeah, yeah, yeah) (yeah, yeah, yeah)

Now you think that I (uh,uh)
Will be something on the side (uh,uh)
But you got to understand
That I need a man
Who can take my hand yes I do

I don’t know what this is
But you got me good
Just like you knew you would (uh,uh)

I don’t know what you do
But you do it well
I’m under your spell (uh,uh)

You got me begging you for mercy (yeah, yeah, yeah)
Why wont you release me (yeah, yeah, yeah)
You got me begging you for mercy (yeah, yeah, yeah)
Why wont you release me (yeah, yeah, yeah)
I said you’d better release yeah yeah yeah

I’m begging you for mercy
Yes why won’t you realse me
I’m begging you for mercy
You got me begging
You got me begging
You got me begging

Mercy, why wont you release me (yeah, yeah, yeah)
I’m begging you for mercy (yeah, yeah, yeah)
Why won’t you release me (yeah, yeah, yeah)

You got me begging you for mercy (yeah, yeah, yeah)
I’m begging you for mercy
I’m begging you for mercy
I’m begging you for mercy
I’m begging you for mercy
Why wont you release me yeah yeah
Break it down

Begging you for mercy
You got me begging
Begging you for mercy
You got me begging



I'm done for now..... Too tired.

Friday, June 19, 2009

Waiting...

I sorta just need to get this out there....
A: I wait until he's ready to grow the fuck up. Wait for him to stop smoking pot and stop acting like a child. He seems like a man on the outside, but boy is he deceiving. I figured after not seeing him for two years he wouldn't be the same silly boy I used to know, but I almost feel like I was lied to. I just wanted him to be so much more than he turned out to be. He's not completely hopeless, but he's not using what brain cells he has left for anything productive. "You're mood swings are giving me whiplash". That's exactly him. One minute he wants to see me, the next he forgets to tell me he's in Reno for a week for training. "I forgot tell you, sorry". I already have trust issues and you're toying with them. I don't know if your stupid or just playing me and I don't want to find out.
B: I wait for you to get her out of your system. She was a big part of you and she ripped your heart out. I remember that feeling well, but I promise, it does go away. He's the nice guy. He doors, he buy flowers, he care of your body. Why would he be interested in a girl like me? He has plans with his life and he's going places, I want him to take me with him. I'm just afraid with all my baggage he won't take me with him on his journey. He's so easy to talk to and relate to and I really just want to get to know this awesome person I just met.
C: I wait for him to stop being bored with girls. I'm not going into a relationship knowing it will just end three months down the road. That's stupid. I'm not going to be just another number to him, he says it's not like that, but I know better. He's been through a lot and so have I, I'm forgiving about the past. I wish I could be that one special person you don't get bored with, but be bored together.
D: I wait for him to stop living the dream. I can't wait for him. He'll take off for a year and come back for three months for a quick, "hello" and be off again. I've known him for five years, yet I know nothing about him, except that he cares. I know that if he dies, I'll cry, because I went through that with him over a mean joke. I don't know why he's so special and I don't know why he thinks I'm so special.
E: I wait for him to notice me. I've been here the entire time yet I'm a different person and so is he. He's actually an adult and acts like it. He listens to my ramblings and doesn't just respond with "lol". He has skirted off yet, so we'll see. He might be just going off to college and do fancy dorm stuff or he might come visit and say hi. Who knows.

So here I am, waiting. Waiting for boys to grow up, move past other girls, get over things, live their dreams, & go to school. I know I don't have to decide now, but I know I will farther down the road. I thought this was going to be easier.

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Kiss Me Thru The Phone

Tell me why, the nano-second Josh finally texts me back, I get these horrible butterflies. I want him to be a man, and actually be there but I know he's nothing but a boy, just wants to mess around and have fun. I want the unattainable....

I need a man in my life.... Ok, I don't need one, but I want one more than I want these little boys right now.


Off for a day of planning things with Matt. Hopefully finishing this darn script! =]

Monday, June 15, 2009

Shut Up And Let Me Go

Something is wrong with me, I'm sure of it. I was getting close to Josh, really close. But the thing I thought we had was one sided, which was fine, but I wish he didn't wait for me to figure it out and just tell me. It stung at first, but I'm fine now. Which is where I come to the conclusion that something is wrong with me. If I can give myself to someone so easily and then be fine with it.. well that's not okay. Now I'm a free agent. I want to be the perfect girl-friend that I know I can be, sort of just missing the boy-friend. There's one guy, James, who we've been friends for a minute and he's interested in me, but I know he'd get bored the second we start dating, because that's just the fact of the day, so i refuse to let myself become boring to him. I refuse to be just another number. He's made progress, he dated a girl for three months, but then, got bored and dumped her. I don't want to go into a relationship knowing it won't last. Which is why I'm a free agent. I like other boys, I'm totally interested in other boys. I want to get to know them all, just them. Not their friends, not their families. I find once I get to know a boy and his appendages, after all is said and done, I miss them and I hate that. Half of the time the boys' family loves me more than they loved him [exaggerating].


In other news, I got my brand new camera! It's like Christmas but better!

Sunday, June 7, 2009

Song List

So I'm compiling a list of songs that I think almost everyone should listen to. Not all of these songs are everyone's cup of tea. I don't love every song 100% but I think they all have something to offer. Check them out! =]

Albums I can Listen all the way through without skipping any tracks =]
Chuck - Sum 41
The Fame - Lady Gaga
Fight with Tools - Flobots
Paper Trail - T.I.
Kala - M.I.A.
Riot! - Paramore
Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band - The Beatles
Dark Side of the Moon - Pink Floyd
Spring Awakening: A New Musical
Swan Songs - Hollywood Undead
Tha Carter III - Lil Wayne
Timbaland Presents Shock Value - Timbaland
Want - 3Oh!3
You'll Rebel to Anything - Mindless Self Indulgence

Songs

The Air Near My Fingers - The White Stripes
Alfie - Lily Allen
All Around Me - Flyleaf
All The Small Things - Blink-182
Always - Blink-182
Always Something There to Remind Me - Naked Eyes
American Boy - Estelle Ft. Kanye West
Anti Matter - N*E*R*D*
Apologize - One Republic Ft. Timbaland
Apply Some Pressure - Mark Ronson Ft. Paul Smith
Are You The One? - The Presets
Axel F - Harold Faltemeyer
Ayo Technology - 50 Cent Ft. Justin Timberlake
B.Y.O.B. - System of A Down
Back in the U.S.S.R. - The Beatles
Bad Up Your Betterness - The Presets
Bamboo Banga - M.I.A.
Be Mine - Robyn
Be My Escape (Acoustic) - Rilient K
Beat It - Michael Jackson
Big Girl [You Are Beautiful] - Mika
Bigger Hole to Fill - The Hives
Billy Jean - Michael Jackson
The B**** of Living - From Spring Awakening
The Bitter End - Sum 41
A Bitter Song - Butterfly Boucher
Bleed it Out - Linkin Park
Blood - My Chemical Romance
Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy - The Andrews Sisters
Booty Got Swag (Donk Part 2) - Soulja Boy
Bottle and a Gun - Hollywood Undead
Bounce - Timbaland Ft. Dr. Dre, Justin Timberlake & Missy Elliot
Boyfriend - Alphabeat
Boyfriend - Ashlee Simpson
Boys Boys Boys - Lady Gaga
Boyz - M.I.A.
Breakin' Dishes - Rihanna
Brimful of Ashes - Fatboy Slim
Broken - Seether Ft. Amy Lee
Broken Hearts Parade - Good Charlotte
Bum Like You - Robyn
Burning Down the House - Talking Heads
Bustin' Out - Rick James
California - Hollywood Undead
California - Phantom Planet
Candle (Sick & Tired) - The White Tie Affair
Carousel - Blink-182
Champagne Supernova - Oasis
Chasing Cars - Snow Patrol
Choke Chain - 3Oh!3
Chop Suey! - System of A Down
Church - T-Pain Ft. Teddy Verseti
Circles - Hollywood Undead
Clothes Off - Gym Class Heroes
Cobrastyle - Robyn
Cobrastyle - Teddy Bears
Come Around - M.I.A. Ft. Timbaland
Come & Go - 50 Cent
Conga - Gloria Estefan
Cookie Jar - Gym Class Heroes
Cops and Robbers - The Hoosiers
Corazon Espinado - Carlos Santana - Ft. Mana
Crack a Bottle - Eminem Ft. Dr. Dre & 50 Cent
Cupid's Chokehold - Gym Class Heroes
Cute Without the 'E' (Cut From the Team) - Taking Back Sunday
Da Da Da - Trio
Damaged - Danity Kane
Damnit - Blink-182
Dead & Gone - T.I. Ft. Justin Timberlake
Dead in Ditches - Hollywood Undead
Dear Mr. President - Pink Ft. Indigo Girls
Disturbia - Rihanna
Don't Do Sadness/Blue Wind - From Spring Awakening
Don't Stop Believing - Journey
Don't Stop the Music - Rihanna
Don't Trust Me - 3Oh!3
Don't Worry Be Happy - Bobby McFerrin
Don't You Know Who I Think I Am - Fall Out Boy
Doomsday Clock - Smashing Pumpkins
Dota - Bass Hunter
Down - Jay Sean
Down Down Down - The Presets
Down With The Sickness - Disturbed
Drunken Lullibies - Flogging Molly
Electric Avenue - Eddy Grant
Elvis Isn't Dead - Scouting for Girls
End of the World - Armor for Sleep
Escape (The Pina Colada Song) - Rupert Holmes
Everyday it's 1989 - Moby
Everyone Nose (All The Girls Standing In The Line For The Bathroom) - N*E*R*D*
Everything You Want - Vertical Horizon
Faint - Linkin Park
Faith - George Michaels
Fake It - Seether
The Fame - Lady Gaga
Famous Last Words - My Chemical Romance
Fantastic 6 - Alphabeat
Feelin This - Blink-182
Fergalicious -Fergie - Ft. Will.I.Am
First Date - Blink-182
Flirt - Pussycat Dolls
Fluorescent Adolescent - Arctic Monkeys
Fly on the Wall - Miley Cyrus
For a Pessimist I'm Pretty Optimistic - Paramore
For Now - From Avenue Q
Fuego -Pitbull Ft. Don Omar
Funk McLovin - Lyle Workman
Gangster Trippin - Fatboy Slim
Generation - Simple Plan
Get Your Money - Will.I.Am
Gimme a Sign - Kevin Rudolf
Gimme More - Britney Spears
Gimme! Gimme! Gimme! (A Man After Midnight) - ABBA
Girl's Not Grey - AFI
Give it to Me - Timbaland Ft. Justin Timberlake & Nelly Furtado
Given Up - Linkin Park
Go-Go - Alphabeat
Go Girl -Pitbull t. Trina & Young Boss)
Gonna Make You Sweat (Everybody Dance Now) - C&C Music Factory
Great Dj - The Ting Tings
Handlebars - The Flobots
Hanging by a Moment - Lifehouse
Happiness is a Warm Gun - The Beatles
Hate (I Really Don't Like You) - Plain White T's
Headstrong - Trapt
Heartless - Kris Allen
Heaven - Dj Sammy
Here Comes the Sun - The Beatles
Here I Come - Fergie
Here I Come - The Roots
Hero - Enrique Iglesias
Holler Til You Pass Out - 3Oh!3
Hussel - M.I.A. Ft. Afrikan Boy
I'm Gonne Be (500 Miles) - The Proclaimers
I'm Illy - T.I.
I'm Not Your Boyfriend Baby- 3Oh!3
I'm Your Problem Now - Mindless Self Indulgence
I Can't Do it Alone - 3Oh!3
I Get Money - 50 Cent
I Go Hard, I Go Home - The Presets
I Hate This Part - Pussycast Dolls
I See You Baby - Fatboy Slim
I Think I'm Paranoid - Garbage
I Wanna be Sedated - The Ramones
I Want You (She's So Heavy) - The Beatles
Icky Thump - The White Stripes
Idlewild Blue (Dont'chu Worry 'Bout Me) - Outkast
If I Could Have You Back - Aly & Aj
Imagine - John Lennon
Invisible - Will.I.Am
It Won't Be Long - The Hives
It's Raining Men - The Weather Girls
It's Tricky - Run DMC
Jessie's Girl - Rick Springfield
Just Dance - Lady Gaga Ft. Colby Odonis
Keep Your Head - The Ting Tings
Kiss Kiss - Chris Brown Ft. T-Pain
Knock 'Em Out - Lily Allen
La Vie Boheme - From Rent
(The Legend Of) Miss Baltimore Crown - From Hairspray
Let It Be - From Across the Universe
Let It Rock - Kevin Rudolf Ft. Lil Wayne
Let's Go - Lil John Ft. Twista
Liar (It Takes Two) - Taking Back Sunday
Like a Boy - Ciara
Lollipop - Framing Hanley
Lollipop - Mika
Lovegame - Lady Gaga
Low - FloRida Ft. T-Pain
Mad - Ne-Yo
Mama Who Bore Me - From Spring Awakening
Me and U - Cassie
Mercy - Duffy
A Milli - Lil Wayne
Misery Business - Paramore
Money - Pink Floyd
Nasty Girls - Ashlee Simpson
Never Wanted to Dance - Mindless Self Indulgence
No. 5 - Hollywood Undead
Not Ready to Make Nice - Dixie Chicks
Ob-La-Di, Ob-La-Da - The Beatles
Oh My God - Mark Ronson Ft. Lily Allen
Oh Timbaland - Timbaland
One and Only - Timbaland Ft. Fall Out Boy
Open Your Eyes - Sum 41
Oye Como Va - Carlos Santana
Papa Don't Preach - Kelly Osborne
Paper Planes - M.I.A.
Paralyzed - The Used
Paralyzer - Finger Eleven
Passion's Killing Floor - Him
Photo Finish - 3Oh!3
Potential Breakup Song - Aly & Aj
Praise You - Fatboy Slim
Pretty Fly for a White Guy - The Offspring
Pretty Handsome Awkward - The Used
Prom Queen - Lil Wayne
Release - Timbaland Ft. Justin Timberlake
Remember the Name - Fort Minor
Rent - From Rent
Rhythm is a Dancer - Snap!
The Rhythm Method (Move!) - Flobots
Rise - Flobots
The River - Good Charlotte Ft. Shadows & Synyster Gates
The Rock Show - Blink 182
Rock This Town - Stray Cats
Roxanne - From Moulin Rouge
S.O.S. - The Jonas Brothers
Sadie Hawkins Dance - Relient K
See You Again - Miley Cyrus
Sell Out - Reel Big Fish
Seven Nation Army - The White Stripes
Sgt. Peppers Lonely Hearts Club Band - The Beatles
Shake It - Metro Station
Smells Like Teen Spirit - Tori Amos
Smooth - Carlos Santana Ft. Rob Thomas
Somebody's Watching Me - Rockwell
Somebody Told Me - The Killers
Starstrukk - 3Oh!3
Step It Up - The Bamboos
Stockholm Syndrome - Blink 182
Stop - Spice Girls
Sunglasses at Night - Corey Hart
Super Freak - Rick James
Supermassive Black Hole - Muse
Swagga Like Us - T.I. Ft. Jay-Z, Lil Wayne & Kanye West
Sweet Dreams - Eurythmics
T This Moment - Disturbed
Take it Off - The Donnas
Take You Down - Chris Brown
The Take Over, The Breaks Over - Fall Out Boy
Technical Difficulties - Julien-K
Teenages - My Chemical Romance
Turn My Swag On - Soulja Boy
Undead - Hollywood Undead
Violent Pornography - System of a Down
Viva La Vida - Coldplay
Wake Me Up Before you Go Go - Wham!
Wall to Wall - Chris Brown
Wannabe - Spice Girls
We Went as Far as We Felt Like - Pussycat Dolls
What's My Age Again? - Blink 182
When I Grow Up - Pussycat Dolls
Which To Bury, Us Or The Hatchet (Acoustic) - Relient K
Who I Am Hates Who I've Been (Acoustic) - Relient K
World Town - M.I.A.
Worried About Ray - The Hoosiers
1234 - Fiest
241 - Reel Big Fish
88 - Sum 41
3 Peat - Lil Wayne