Trust

My problem is I don't really trust anyone. Trust is a word that gets thrown around too much. People tell me things and I just don't believe them. I always try to think there's a hidden agenda. A tells me he likes me. C tells me I'm cute. D tells me he wants to make things work.

A was acting like a kid but has now been moved to toddler status. He got laid off from his work and now has been turning to other motives of getting money. I don't agree with them but I don't want him to be homeless. He's opened up to me a little, I guess that's progress, I guess.

C and I have been having long conversations about his past. He was crushed by a girl and has clammed up since then. I see myself with him the most, because his past is heavy and I feel like I can talk to him on more than just a superficial level. I found these lyrics though, they describe us perfectly.

Mercy - Duffy

I love you
But I gotta stay true
My morals got me on my knees
I’m begging please stop playing games

I don’t know what this is
‘Cause you got me good
Just like you knew you would
I don’t know what you do
But you do it well
I’m under your spell

You got me begging you for mercy (yeah, yeah, yeah)
Why won’t you release me (yeah, yeah, yeah)
You got me begging you for mercy (yeah, yeah, yeah)
why won’t you release me (yeah, yeah, yeah)
I said release me (yeah, yeah, yeah) (yeah, yeah, yeah)

Now you think that I (uh,uh)
Will be something on the side (uh,uh)
But you got to understand
That I need a man
Who can take my hand yes I do

I don’t know what this is
But you got me good
Just like you knew you would (uh,uh)

I don’t know what you do
But you do it well
I’m under your spell (uh,uh)

You got me begging you for mercy (yeah, yeah, yeah)
Why wont you release me (yeah, yeah, yeah)
You got me begging you for mercy (yeah, yeah, yeah)
Why wont you release me (yeah, yeah, yeah)
I said you’d better release yeah yeah yeah

I’m begging you for mercy
Yes why won’t you realse me
I’m begging you for mercy
You got me begging
You got me begging
You got me begging

Mercy, why wont you release me (yeah, yeah, yeah)
I’m begging you for mercy (yeah, yeah, yeah)
Why won’t you release me (yeah, yeah, yeah)

You got me begging you for mercy (yeah, yeah, yeah)
I’m begging you for mercy
I’m begging you for mercy
I’m begging you for mercy
I’m begging you for mercy
Why wont you release me yeah yeah
Break it down

Begging you for mercy
You got me begging
Begging you for mercy
You got me begging

I'm done for now..... Too tired.

Waiting...

I sorta just need to get this out there....
A: I wait until he's ready to grow the fuck up. Wait for him to stop smoking pot and stop acting like a child. He seems like a man on the outside, but boy is he deceiving. I figured after not seeing him for two years he wouldn't be the same silly boy I used to know, but I almost feel like I was lied to. I just wanted him to be so much more than he turned out to be. He's not completely hopeless, but he's not using what brain cells he has left for anything productive. "You're mood swings are giving me whiplash". That's exactly him. One minute he wants to see me, the next he forgets to tell me he's in Reno for a week for training. "I forgot tell you, sorry". I already have trust issues and you're toying with them. I don't know if your stupid or just playing me and I don't want to find out.
B: I wait for you to get her out of your system. She was a big part of you and she ripped your heart out. I remember that feeling well, but I promise, it does go away. He's the nice guy. He doors, he buy flowers, he care of your body. Why would he be interested in a girl like me? He has plans with his life and he's going places, I want him to take me with him. I'm just afraid with all my baggage he won't take me with him on his journey. He's so easy to talk to and relate to and I really just want to get to know this awesome person I just met.
C: I wait for him to stop being bored with girls. I'm not going into a relationship knowing it will just end three months down the road. That's stupid. I'm not going to be just another number to him, he says it's not like that, but I know better. He's been through a lot and so have I, I'm forgiving about the past. I wish I could be that one special person you don't get bored with, but be bored together.
D: I wait for him to stop living the dream. I can't wait for him. He'll take off for a year and come back for three months for a quick, "hello" and be off again. I've known him for five years, yet I know nothing about him, except that he cares. I know that if he dies, I'll cry, because I went through that with him over a mean joke. I don't know why he's so special and I don't know why he thinks I'm so special.
E: I wait for him to notice me. I've been here the entire time yet I'm a different person and so is he. He's actually an adult and acts like it. He listens to my ramblings and doesn't just respond with "lol". He has skirted off yet, so we'll see. He might be just going off to college and do fancy dorm stuff or he might come visit and say hi. Who knows.

So here I am, waiting. Waiting for boys to grow up, move past other girls, get over things, live their dreams, & go to school. I know I don't have to decide now, but I know I will farther down the road. I thought this was going to be easier.

Kiss Me Thru The Phone

Tell me why, the nano-second Josh finally texts me back, I get these horrible butterflies. I want him to be a man, and actually be there but I know he's nothing but a boy, just wants to mess around and have fun. I want the unattainable....

I need a man in my life.... Ok, I don't need one, but I want one more than I want these little boys right now.


Off for a day of planning things with Matt. Hopefully finishing this darn script! =]

Shut Up And Let Me Go

Something is wrong with me, I'm sure of it. I was getting close to Josh, really close. But the thing I thought we had was one sided, which was fine, but I wish he didn't wait for me to figure it out and just tell me. It stung at first, but I'm fine now. Which is where I come to the conclusion that something is wrong with me. If I can give myself to someone so easily and then be fine with it.. well that's not okay. Now I'm a free agent. I want to be the perfect girl-friend that I know I can be, sort of just missing the boy-friend. There's one guy, James, who we've been friends for a minute and he's interested in me, but I know he'd get bored the second we start dating, because that's just the fact of the day, so i refuse to let myself become boring to him. I refuse to be just another number. He's made progress, he dated a girl for three months, but then, got bored and dumped her. I don't want to go into a relationship knowing it won't last. Which is why I'm a free agent. I like other boys, I'm totally interested in other boys. I want to get to know them all, just them. Not their friends, not their families. I find once I get to know a boy and his appendages, after all is said and done, I miss them and I hate that. Half of the time the boys' family loves me more than they loved him [exaggerating].

In other news, I got my brand new camera! It's like Christmas but better!

If I Were a Boy

Maybe I should just leave now before I get hurt. I want whatever this thing is between us to work but if it's doomed to fail than I want to head out now and save myself from more heartache. Considering my past with men, history is bound to repeat itself. Fred left for Christina. Chris left for Hayley. Bert left for B.J. The others were me getting over myself, which I understand isn't right but, it's what happened. I want to play everything chill and calm, but I'm a girl and I give in to all my thoughts and anxieties. What if you're lying? What if you say this to all the girls? What if I'm not the only one? What if this is nothing? Why won't you text/call me back? Why do I have to have everything so tied into all of this, this whatever? Why isn't this labeled? Are we just friends? Are we more than friends? Am I just another notch in your belt? Who knows? I'm just going to try enjoy this time now, whatever this is. I'm terrified to get attached. In a year you're going to be over seas in war. The thought of losing you is scary. You could be gone in a matter of minutes and you're so calm and collected. How do you do it? Sometimes I feel like your from another planet.