Boyz II Men

This is something that has been on my mind lately, and I really have to get it off my chest. When will "Boys" become "Men"? I'm constantly in awe of how stupid guys can be when they only have sex on their mind. I understand, that's normal, but there's a difference of how you approach it.

Let me spell this out for you dumb boys who don't seem to understand.

-Girls want to be woo-ed. I'm sure this is difficult to get. Girls want to go on dates and snuggle, and for you to whisper really corny romantic things. They want the flowers and for you to randomly check up on us [not every five minutes!] and ask how they're doing.

I can ALWAYS tell the assholes from the nice guys by one crucial thing. They talk about themselves and sex. If a guy doesn't ask you one single question outside of the things he can read on your myspace page, then he's NOT interested in you. He's interested in your body. And that's it.

The phrase 'nice guys finish last' is true and I know it sucks. Nice girls finish last too. I feel you there. I've been attracted to the bad boy, but the fact that they're not interested in me at all is such a turn off. What happened to the nice guy? Is he out there?

I am a nice girl. I'm funny, and I'm very smart. I'm the type of girl mothers adore, even the one's that hate everyone. I care about everything and I love too much, and that's what gets me into trouble. I want to be this perfect girl-friend, it's finding the perfect boy-friend is the hard part.

Letter to My 10 Year Old Self

Pretty Handsome Awkward

Talked to D today over some texts. He's coming to visit me in a week. I'm nervous/excited to see him, because I literally haven't seen him in five years. The fact that he still talks to me baffles me. He wants things to happen with us but I'm scared to let them happen. He works under very dangerous conditions and lives his life on the dangerous side, nothing super bad, but enough where he could die, that freaks me out, especially when he loves to remind me. I'm afraid I won't live up to his expectations. This is like A all over again. D says he's not going to be like the other guys and run away. That's a big deal to say, but I've heard it before. It's nothing new. They say they'll be there forever, and then BAM! gone.
Saw B today, he gave me butterflies, we were at the movies with some friends. I wish we could have talked more, but he had to leave. =[
A had dropped off the face of the planet, which is fine, except he owes me money and I need any I can get, I hate it when things get tight.

It's just weird.

No One's Girl

I'm not going to sit on my butt waiting for some guy to sweep me off my feet. It's not going to happen, I guarantee it. At least for this time. I want someone to share my life with but show 'n tell isn't going on right now. I'm going to back control of my life and not let stupid boys dictate what I do and don't do. I'm not here to impress anyone. If A to date other girls, fine, guess I'm not that important to him. If D won't explain his random/cryptic text messages fine, I don't need his answers. If C doesn't want to be close, fine keep me at a distance. If B can't get over this other girl, I'd hate to see what I'd do to him. [I have no problems with E lol]

I'm not a side show, I'm the main performance.

Trust

My problem is I don't really trust anyone. Trust is a word that gets thrown around too much. People tell me things and I just don't believe them. I always try to think there's a hidden agenda. A tells me he likes me. C tells me I'm cute. D tells me he wants to make things work.

A was acting like a kid but has now been moved to toddler status. He got laid off from his work and now has been turning to other motives of getting money. I don't agree with them but I don't want him to be homeless. He's opened up to me a little, I guess that's progress, I guess.

C and I have been having long conversations about his past. He was crushed by a girl and has clammed up since then. I see myself with him the most, because his past is heavy and I feel like I can talk to him on more than just a superficial level. I found these lyrics though, they describe us perfectly.

Mercy - Duffy

I love you
But I gotta stay true
My morals got me on my knees
I’m begging please stop playing games

I don’t know what this is
‘Cause you got me good
Just like you knew you would
I don’t know what you do
But you do it well
I’m under your spell

You got me begging you for mercy (yeah, yeah, yeah)
Why won’t you release me (yeah, yeah, yeah)
You got me begging you for mercy (yeah, yeah, yeah)
why won’t you release me (yeah, yeah, yeah)
I said release me (yeah, yeah, yeah) (yeah, yeah, yeah)

Now you think that I (uh,uh)
Will be something on the side (uh,uh)
But you got to understand
That I need a man
Who can take my hand yes I do

I don’t know what this is
But you got me good
Just like you knew you would (uh,uh)

I don’t know what you do
But you do it well
I’m under your spell (uh,uh)

You got me begging you for mercy (yeah, yeah, yeah)
Why wont you release me (yeah, yeah, yeah)
You got me begging you for mercy (yeah, yeah, yeah)
Why wont you release me (yeah, yeah, yeah)
I said you’d better release yeah yeah yeah

I’m begging you for mercy
Yes why won’t you realse me
I’m begging you for mercy
You got me begging
You got me begging
You got me begging

Mercy, why wont you release me (yeah, yeah, yeah)
I’m begging you for mercy (yeah, yeah, yeah)
Why won’t you release me (yeah, yeah, yeah)

You got me begging you for mercy (yeah, yeah, yeah)
I’m begging you for mercy
I’m begging you for mercy
I’m begging you for mercy
I’m begging you for mercy
Why wont you release me yeah yeah
Break it down

Begging you for mercy
You got me begging
Begging you for mercy
You got me begging

I'm done for now..... Too tired.

Waiting...

I sorta just need to get this out there....
A: I wait until he's ready to grow the fuck up. Wait for him to stop smoking pot and stop acting like a child. He seems like a man on the outside, but boy is he deceiving. I figured after not seeing him for two years he wouldn't be the same silly boy I used to know, but I almost feel like I was lied to. I just wanted him to be so much more than he turned out to be. He's not completely hopeless, but he's not using what brain cells he has left for anything productive. "You're mood swings are giving me whiplash". That's exactly him. One minute he wants to see me, the next he forgets to tell me he's in Reno for a week for training. "I forgot tell you, sorry". I already have trust issues and you're toying with them. I don't know if your stupid or just playing me and I don't want to find out.
B: I wait for you to get her out of your system. She was a big part of you and she ripped your heart out. I remember that feeling well, but I promise, it does go away. He's the nice guy. He doors, he buy flowers, he care of your body. Why would he be interested in a girl like me? He has plans with his life and he's going places, I want him to take me with him. I'm just afraid with all my baggage he won't take me with him on his journey. He's so easy to talk to and relate to and I really just want to get to know this awesome person I just met.
C: I wait for him to stop being bored with girls. I'm not going into a relationship knowing it will just end three months down the road. That's stupid. I'm not going to be just another number to him, he says it's not like that, but I know better. He's been through a lot and so have I, I'm forgiving about the past. I wish I could be that one special person you don't get bored with, but be bored together.
D: I wait for him to stop living the dream. I can't wait for him. He'll take off for a year and come back for three months for a quick, "hello" and be off again. I've known him for five years, yet I know nothing about him, except that he cares. I know that if he dies, I'll cry, because I went through that with him over a mean joke. I don't know why he's so special and I don't know why he thinks I'm so special.
E: I wait for him to notice me. I've been here the entire time yet I'm a different person and so is he. He's actually an adult and acts like it. He listens to my ramblings and doesn't just respond with "lol". He has skirted off yet, so we'll see. He might be just going off to college and do fancy dorm stuff or he might come visit and say hi. Who knows.

So here I am, waiting. Waiting for boys to grow up, move past other girls, get over things, live their dreams, & go to school. I know I don't have to decide now, but I know I will farther down the road. I thought this was going to be easier.

Kiss Me Thru The Phone

Tell me why, the nano-second Josh finally texts me back, I get these horrible butterflies. I want him to be a man, and actually be there but I know he's nothing but a boy, just wants to mess around and have fun. I want the unattainable....

I need a man in my life.... Ok, I don't need one, but I want one more than I want these little boys right now.


Off for a day of planning things with Matt. Hopefully finishing this darn script! =]

Shut Up And Let Me Go

Something is wrong with me, I'm sure of it. I was getting close to Josh, really close. But the thing I thought we had was one sided, which was fine, but I wish he didn't wait for me to figure it out and just tell me. It stung at first, but I'm fine now. Which is where I come to the conclusion that something is wrong with me. If I can give myself to someone so easily and then be fine with it.. well that's not okay. Now I'm a free agent. I want to be the perfect girl-friend that I know I can be, sort of just missing the boy-friend. There's one guy, James, who we've been friends for a minute and he's interested in me, but I know he'd get bored the second we start dating, because that's just the fact of the day, so i refuse to let myself become boring to him. I refuse to be just another number. He's made progress, he dated a girl for three months, but then, got bored and dumped her. I don't want to go into a relationship knowing it won't last. Which is why I'm a free agent. I like other boys, I'm totally interested in other boys. I want to get to know them all, just them. Not their friends, not their families. I find once I get to know a boy and his appendages, after all is said and done, I miss them and I hate that. Half of the time the boys' family loves me more than they loved him [exaggerating].

In other news, I got my brand new camera! It's like Christmas but better!

Song List

So I'm compiling a list of songs that I think almost everyone should listen to. Not all of these songs are everyone's cup of tea. I don't love every song 100% but I think they all have something to offer. Check them out! =]

Albums I can Listen all the way through without skipping any tracks =]
Chuck - Sum 41
The Fame - Lady Gaga
Fight with Tools - Flobots
Paper Trail - T.I.
Kala - M.I.A.
Riot! - Paramore
Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band - The Beatles
Dark Side of the Moon - Pink Floyd
Spring Awakening: A New Musical
Swan Songs - Hollywood Undead
Tha Carter III - Lil Wayne
Timbaland Presents Shock Value - Timbaland
Want - 3Oh!3
You'll Rebel to Anything - Mindless Self Indulgence

Songs

The Air Near My Fingers - The White Stripes
Alfie - Lily Allen
All Around Me - Flyleaf
All The Small Things - Blink-182
Always - Blink-182
Always Something There to Remind Me - Naked Eyes
American Boy - Estelle Ft. Kanye West
Anti Matter - N*E*R*D*
Apologize - One Republic Ft. Timbaland
Apply Some Pressure - Mark Ronson Ft. Paul Smith
Are You The One? - The Presets
Axel F - Harold Faltemeyer
Ayo Technology - 50 Cent Ft. Justin Timberlake
B.Y.O.B. - System of A Down
Back in the U.S.S.R. - The Beatles
Bad Up Your Betterness - The Presets
Bamboo Banga - M.I.A.
Be Mine - Robyn
Be My Escape (Acoustic) - Rilient K
Beat It - Michael Jackson
Big Girl [You Are Beautiful] - Mika
Bigger Hole to Fill - The Hives
Billy Jean - Michael Jackson
The B**** of Living - From Spring Awakening
The Bitter End - Sum 41
A Bitter Song - Butterfly Boucher
Bleed it Out - Linkin Park
Blood - My Chemical Romance
Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy - The Andrews Sisters
Booty Got Swag (Donk Part 2) - Soulja Boy
Bottle and a Gun - Hollywood Undead
Bounce - Timbaland Ft. Dr. Dre, Justin Timberlake & Missy Elliot
Boyfriend - Alphabeat
Boyfriend - Ashlee Simpson
Boys Boys Boys - Lady Gaga
Boyz - M.I.A.
Breakin' Dishes - Rihanna
Brimful of Ashes - Fatboy Slim
Broken - Seether Ft. Amy Lee
Broken Hearts Parade - Good Charlotte
Bum Like You - Robyn
Burning Down the House - Talking Heads
Bustin' Out - Rick James
California - Hollywood Undead
California - Phantom Planet
Candle (Sick & Tired) - The White Tie Affair
Carousel - Blink-182
Champagne Supernova - Oasis
Chasing Cars - Snow Patrol
Choke Chain - 3Oh!3
Chop Suey! - System of A Down
Church - T-Pain Ft. Teddy Verseti
Circles - Hollywood Undead
Clothes Off - Gym Class Heroes
Cobrastyle - Robyn
Cobrastyle - Teddy Bears
Come Around - M.I.A. Ft. Timbaland
Come & Go - 50 Cent
Conga - Gloria Estefan
Cookie Jar - Gym Class Heroes
Cops and Robbers - The Hoosiers
Corazon Espinado - Carlos Santana - Ft. Mana
Crack a Bottle - Eminem Ft. Dr. Dre & 50 Cent
Cupid's Chokehold - Gym Class Heroes
Cute Without the 'E' (Cut From the Team) - Taking Back Sunday
Da Da Da - Trio
Damaged - Danity Kane
Damnit - Blink-182
Dead & Gone - T.I. Ft. Justin Timberlake
Dead in Ditches - Hollywood Undead
Dear Mr. President - Pink Ft. Indigo Girls
Disturbia - Rihanna
Don't Do Sadness/Blue Wind - From Spring Awakening
Don't Stop Believing - Journey
Don't Stop the Music - Rihanna
Don't Trust Me - 3Oh!3
Don't Worry Be Happy - Bobby McFerrin
Don't You Know Who I Think I Am - Fall Out Boy
Doomsday Clock - Smashing Pumpkins
Dota - Bass Hunter
Down - Jay Sean
Down Down Down - The Presets
Down With The Sickness - Disturbed
Drunken Lullibies - Flogging Molly
Electric Avenue - Eddy Grant
Elvis Isn't Dead - Scouting for Girls
End of the World - Armor for Sleep
Escape (The Pina Colada Song) - Rupert Holmes
Everyday it's 1989 - Moby
Everyone Nose (All The Girls Standing In The Line For The Bathroom) - N*E*R*D*
Everything You Want - Vertical Horizon
Faint - Linkin Park
Faith - George Michaels
Fake It - Seether
The Fame - Lady Gaga
Famous Last Words - My Chemical Romance
Fantastic 6 - Alphabeat
Feelin This - Blink-182
Fergalicious -Fergie - Ft. Will.I.Am
First Date - Blink-182
Flirt - Pussycat Dolls
Fluorescent Adolescent - Arctic Monkeys
Fly on the Wall - Miley Cyrus
For a Pessimist I'm Pretty Optimistic - Paramore
For Now - From Avenue Q
Fuego -Pitbull Ft. Don Omar
Funk McLovin - Lyle Workman
Gangster Trippin - Fatboy Slim
Generation - Simple Plan
Get Your Money - Will.I.Am
Gimme a Sign - Kevin Rudolf
Gimme More - Britney Spears
Gimme! Gimme! Gimme! (A Man After Midnight) - ABBA
Girl's Not Grey - AFI
Give it to Me - Timbaland Ft. Justin Timberlake & Nelly Furtado
Given Up - Linkin Park
Go-Go - Alphabeat
Go Girl -Pitbull t. Trina & Young Boss)
Gonna Make You Sweat (Everybody Dance Now) - C&C Music Factory
Great Dj - The Ting Tings
Handlebars - The Flobots
Hanging by a Moment - Lifehouse
Happiness is a Warm Gun - The Beatles
Hate (I Really Don't Like You) - Plain White T's
Headstrong - Trapt
Heartless - Kris Allen
Heaven - Dj Sammy
Here Comes the Sun - The Beatles
Here I Come - Fergie
Here I Come - The Roots
Hero - Enrique Iglesias
Holler Til You Pass Out - 3Oh!3
Hussel - M.I.A. Ft. Afrikan Boy
I'm Gonne Be (500 Miles) - The Proclaimers
I'm Illy - T.I.
I'm Not Your Boyfriend Baby- 3Oh!3
I'm Your Problem Now - Mindless Self Indulgence
I Can't Do it Alone - 3Oh!3
I Get Money - 50 Cent
I Go Hard, I Go Home - The Presets
I Hate This Part - Pussycast Dolls
I See You Baby - Fatboy Slim
I Think I'm Paranoid - Garbage
I Wanna be Sedated - The Ramones
I Want You (She's So Heavy) - The Beatles
Icky Thump - The White Stripes
Idlewild Blue (Dont'chu Worry 'Bout Me) - Outkast
If I Could Have You Back - Aly & Aj
Imagine - John Lennon
Invisible - Will.I.Am
It Won't Be Long - The Hives
It's Raining Men - The Weather Girls
It's Tricky - Run DMC
Jessie's Girl - Rick Springfield
Just Dance - Lady Gaga Ft. Colby Odonis
Keep Your Head - The Ting Tings
Kiss Kiss - Chris Brown Ft. T-Pain
Knock 'Em Out - Lily Allen
La Vie Boheme - From Rent
(The Legend Of) Miss Baltimore Crown - From Hairspray
Let It Be - From Across the Universe
Let It Rock - Kevin Rudolf Ft. Lil Wayne
Let's Go - Lil John Ft. Twista
Liar (It Takes Two) - Taking Back Sunday
Like a Boy - Ciara
Lollipop - Framing Hanley
Lollipop - Mika
Lovegame - Lady Gaga
Low - FloRida Ft. T-Pain
Mad - Ne-Yo
Mama Who Bore Me - From Spring Awakening
Me and U - Cassie
Mercy - Duffy
A Milli - Lil Wayne
Misery Business - Paramore
Money - Pink Floyd
Nasty Girls - Ashlee Simpson
Never Wanted to Dance - Mindless Self Indulgence
No. 5 - Hollywood Undead
Not Ready to Make Nice - Dixie Chicks
Ob-La-Di, Ob-La-Da - The Beatles
Oh My God - Mark Ronson Ft. Lily Allen
Oh Timbaland - Timbaland
One and Only - Timbaland Ft. Fall Out Boy
Open Your Eyes - Sum 41
Oye Como Va - Carlos Santana
Papa Don't Preach - Kelly Osborne
Paper Planes - M.I.A.
Paralyzed - The Used
Paralyzer - Finger Eleven
Passion's Killing Floor - Him
Photo Finish - 3Oh!3
Potential Breakup Song - Aly & Aj
Praise You - Fatboy Slim
Pretty Fly for a White Guy - The Offspring
Pretty Handsome Awkward - The Used
Prom Queen - Lil Wayne
Release - Timbaland Ft. Justin Timberlake
Remember the Name - Fort Minor
Rent - From Rent
Rhythm is a Dancer - Snap!
The Rhythm Method (Move!) - Flobots
Rise - Flobots
The River - Good Charlotte Ft. Shadows & Synyster Gates
The Rock Show - Blink 182
Rock This Town - Stray Cats
Roxanne - From Moulin Rouge
S.O.S. - The Jonas Brothers
Sadie Hawkins Dance - Relient K
See You Again - Miley Cyrus
Sell Out - Reel Big Fish
Seven Nation Army - The White Stripes
Sgt. Peppers Lonely Hearts Club Band - The Beatles
Shake It - Metro Station
Smells Like Teen Spirit - Tori Amos
Smooth - Carlos Santana Ft. Rob Thomas
Somebody's Watching Me - Rockwell
Somebody Told Me - The Killers
Starstrukk - 3Oh!3
Step It Up - The Bamboos
Stockholm Syndrome - Blink 182
Stop - Spice Girls
Sunglasses at Night - Corey Hart
Super Freak - Rick James
Supermassive Black Hole - Muse
Swagga Like Us - T.I. Ft. Jay-Z, Lil Wayne & Kanye West
Sweet Dreams - Eurythmics
T This Moment - Disturbed
Take it Off - The Donnas
Take You Down - Chris Brown
The Take Over, The Breaks Over - Fall Out Boy
Technical Difficulties - Julien-K
Teenages - My Chemical Romance
Turn My Swag On - Soulja Boy
Undead - Hollywood Undead
Violent Pornography - System of a Down
Viva La Vida - Coldplay
Wake Me Up Before you Go Go - Wham!
Wall to Wall - Chris Brown
Wannabe - Spice Girls
We Went as Far as We Felt Like - Pussycat Dolls
What's My Age Again? - Blink 182
When I Grow Up - Pussycat Dolls
Which To Bury, Us Or The Hatchet (Acoustic) - Relient K
Who I Am Hates Who I've Been (Acoustic) - Relient K
World Town - M.I.A.
Worried About Ray - The Hoosiers
1234 - Fiest
241 - Reel Big Fish
88 - Sum 41
3 Peat - Lil Wayne

Turn my Swag On

Some things that people should know about me:

• Every boy that ever left me was for another girl, the boys I left I should have never dated in the first place because it was selfish of me to do so.
  
• My biggest goal is to make coffee table books of my photographs, I take as many pictures as I can because you never know when your going to get that million dollar shot.
  
• I've never met my biological father, nor do I really want to but I would like to meet my family.
  
• Throughout public education I was picked on almost everyday, so when I get a little upset when people tease, that's why.
• I've only believed three people when they called me beautiful, my mom, Liz and my ex, Bert.
  
• I used to be in dance since I was six. I would spend at 7 hours a week during the school year, and five hours everyday in the summer in the studio. When I was 13 I broke my ankle and I never could get back into the swing of things.
• I will give any type of music a chance, but only once. If it disappoints me I won't listen to it after that.
  
• I really want to travel to all the fashion capitals of the world. Paris, Milan, Tokyo, New York etc., meet my favorite designer, Betsy Johnson, and save up to buy a Louis Vuitton bag and a pair of Jimmy Choo's. =]
• I've been doing theater since I was 11. I've been in Grease, Lagooned, Starmites, Fiddler on the Roof, The Music Man, Les Miserables, and Oliver! My dream role is to be Lady of the Lake in Spamalot, and Miss Hanigan in Annie.
• I started taking pictures because I had this deep fear I was going to lose all of my memories so the pictures could remind me of my life.

Johnny

I was bored in math class, and this story just kinda came to me, so I just wrote it down. This has nothing to do with my life what so ever. Lemme know what you think.

-------------------------------------------------

Why late at night,

Do the parents fight
Over the right to choose
Which weekend to spend

with their son and daughter?

Those mothers and fathers,
don't understand
with all their shouts and commands,

their screaming and their big demands.

When they don't even realize

that their precious little Johnny

is selling drugs,

and not hugs,

to those big bad thugs,
to pay for an abortion,
maybe extortion,
who knows?
He doesn't have a clue,
now what should he do?
He could have had it all,
but instead he hit a wall,
and when he falls
he doesn't have the urge to get up at all.
He's just so low,
his brain's so slow,
turned into mush
because he wants that rush.
He fell into the sky,
was up so high.
Now he needs to choose
which right to lose,
the right to be lost
or the right to be free and choose,
from these chains that bound;
oh the pain! that he's found.
Now he's all turned out like his mother & father
with the screams and the shouts.

Oh this vicious circle.

Down Down Down

I hate how sometimes I can be on such a high and others I can get so low. I guess that's what I get for being bipolar. I hate mentioning this only because people brush that off as not a big deal. They joke around when someone has a mood swing and they call them 'bipolar' aka being a bitch. Really? It's nothing like that. For example, today was a normal day. Nothing extremely bad happened to me today but I feel extremely depressed. I want to lock myself in my room and let myself rot. I don't want to talk to anybody. I'd just like to keep everything quiet. I can't do this. What the outside sees of me is a bubbly, happy Amanda. That's the other side of being bipolar. The highs and lows. I used to be medicated to the point where my liver was failing and I felt like a walking zombie. I made my parents happy, I got good grades, I was happy with my boy-friend and life was good. But I was so so so unhappy. I couldn't stand myself. There are some days where I still can't even look at myself in the mirror. Honestly, life would be so much simpler if I could just be normal. I can't meet new people without look like an idiot. I tick people off on accident and don't even realize it. I'm awkward. I was always told, wait till you're older, you'll fit in. I'm twenty years old and I don't know where I'm going with this life of mine. I have no real plan of action, no goals. I have no desire or will power to achieve anything big. I have nothing big to look forward to. I have responsibility and commitments, and 75% of those I can't even keep. I need a break.

If I Were a Boy

Maybe I should just leave now before I get hurt. I want whatever this thing is between us to work but if it's doomed to fail than I want to head out now and save myself from more heartache. Considering my past with men, history is bound to repeat itself. Fred left for Christina. Chris left for Hayley. Bert left for B.J. The others were me getting over myself, which I understand isn't right but, it's what happened. I want to play everything chill and calm, but I'm a girl and I give in to all my thoughts and anxieties. What if you're lying? What if you say this to all the girls? What if I'm not the only one? What if this is nothing? Why won't you text/call me back? Why do I have to have everything so tied into all of this, this whatever? Why isn't this labeled? Are we just friends? Are we more than friends? Am I just another notch in your belt? Who knows? I'm just going to try enjoy this time now, whatever this is. I'm terrified to get attached. In a year you're going to be over seas in war. The thought of losing you is scary. You could be gone in a matter of minutes and you're so calm and collected. How do you do it? Sometimes I feel like your from another planet.

Boys Boys Boys

This happens to me all the time. I give something my all and my patience runs out. I don't get the results I want right away so I obsess over it. "Hey, how ya doing?" is all I really need. Instead, I get "haha" or "lol". How frustrating. I just wish I knew where to draw the line between being the overbearing and getting what I want. I want them to come to me, not the other way around. I need to know when to quit. He says he likes me, but given my history with men, I do have a hard time trusting. I realize everyone is different and there are some very trustworthy people and some aren't. We said a lot of things, I'm just wondering when this fairy tale attitude will wear off. I'm just starting to make progress, or so I'd like to think, with my other attempt at a love life. Then this bomb is litterally thrown on me and I'm stuck with a, "what the heck?'. I can't keep him off my mind.

We never stop waiting for something.

I feel so unmotivated. I have nothing in my life that truly inspires me at the moment. I have no heartache to write about. I'm not learning any new life lessons. I have no muse. I don't have someone to bounce my ideas off of. I'm sucked dry of my creative energy. I wish I could just get up and be AMAZING! I don't know why I'm in this rut, and I wish I could dig myself out. I am excited for the summer though, I'm most likely going to take an anthropology class and a creative writing class, where we have eight on campus classes and then spending a week in Canada at a Biosphere. It seems like an amazing opportunity for me.

I'm trying to get to know new guys and explore dating, but when about half of the people you know are going to be moving within the next few months, getting into a relationship doesn't seem worth it. Where is the older slightly more mature, only ever so slightly, man comes and wipes all these other - for lack of better word - boy on their butts. I'm trying to reach out of my shell. I'm trying to talk to new people, and get out of my comfort zone. It's just a very slow process. I find myself staring or over-talking. I get so flabbergasted that I just don't know what to do with myself. Someone should put me through dating classes or something. I feel like I'm in quicksand and I'm slowly sinking deeper and deeper the more I try. I'm afraid to take a step and risk my self-esteem - which is hardly 100% to begin with.

"I like you."

You'd think things could be simpler.

Disturbia

I'm so frustrated with myself as of this moment. I feel like I can't do anything right. Every time I try to succeed I fail or I half-ass things. I'm tired of being so lazy or unmotivated. I hate how I turn a corner in life and I disappoint my parents, yet again. I'm on this crazy high way of life and took a wrong turn, and I should have taken a different route.

I just wish I could change, I feel like no matter how hard I try I seem to mess up time and time again. I'm so stressed with 'Oliver!' that I can't seem to focus on anything else. I have a math test tomorrow, which I'm completely unprepared for. My pop culture class is harder than I thought it would be and I failed a test because I couldn't understand what it was asking of me. I'm acing graphic design and choir which is a plus.

I really need help and swift kick on the rear.

-Memorize lines for Oliver!
-Study for Math test.
-Complete Math Homework 3
-Watch Crash
-Finish church video
-Exercise!
-Read Chapter 4 for Pop Culture

Is Anybody Listening

Being a friend to the opposite sex baffles me. A lot of people say that it is nearly impossible to be friends with the opposite sex without someone getting hurt on some level. One person starts to develop feelings and the other person remains friends. Or they might decide to try a different kind of relationship and more times than not, things fall apart. I'm on the fence with this. I have friends that are male who I've absolutley never considered for a romantic relationship, but that is a small percentage. If you give me a line-up of ten guys, nine out of ten of them, I will probably have liked them at one point in my life, even for a nanosecond, I've considered them. I don't know if this is normal or not, but that's how things have always been for me. I meet a boy and I consider him as an option. Then reality hits me upside the head and I come to my senses. I realize that he's too cocky. He doesn't like girls like me. He already has a girl-friend. His brother is cuter. He's a hypocrite. He doesn't have any morals. There's always something wrong with these guys. Always. Even the ones I manage to date, there's something wrong. One cared more about social power. One had anger issues. One couldn't overcome addiction. One was socially inept. One didn't understand. One couldn't tough things out. I just wish I could figure this all out sooner. Boys. Men. Whatever. They need things to spelt out for them. If you want something out of them, just ask. Beating around the bush, doesn't get you anywhere except behind the bush. I have no idea where this entry was going. I just felt like writing.

Twilight

My friend found this rant about Twilight. It cracks me up. :]

I can't say this enough: I. FUCKING. HATE. TWILIGHT. WITH. EVERY. FIBER. OF. MY. BEING.Since when is it okay for a guy to stalk you, insult you, steal your car engine, watch you SLEEP, threaten you, abuse you, and nearly RAPE you? Just because he thinks he's all that and a bag of lays because he happens to sparkle like Tinker Bell? I'm sorry, I missed the part about "vampires" being vegan and sparkling. I also missed the part where young women are supposed to be stupid enough to allow said pixiepire to walk all over them like they're some kind of fucking doormat. I'm sorry, but not everyone can be as perfect as Bella Sue; after all, not everyone is able to give up their hopes, dreams, and futures for a guy they've only known for two weeks who happens to like how they smell and would love to kill them.Dare I also add that the whole series not only glorifies sexism and domestic violence, but also pedophilia and necrophilia? Do I honestly want to watch a movie based on a 35-year-old woman's sick fantasy diary? Let me sum it up: EDWARD DOES NOT DAZZLE ME.

Screws fall out all the time, the world is an imperfect place.

I used to think that I had no regrets. I liked the position in life that I held and all of my decisions I made got me there. I'm in a part in my life where I'm not sure where I'm going and I don't even know how I'm supossed to get there? I hate that feeling of being lost. I do have a regret. I don't hold back, and I should. I need to be more careful who I give my love to. I need to think before I speak. I need to have goals and go after them. I have goals, but I never take them seriously. I'm very thankful to be alive and healthy. I have a roof over my head, and clothes on my body. I have a loving family and group of friends. Whenever I start to feel like this, I remember this quote from the movie 'Charlie Bartlett'. The character, Kip Crombwell, tries to commit suicide and Charlie Bartlett visits him after the matter.

Charlie Bartlett: I just think you're missing the big picture.
Kip Crombwell: What big picture?
Charlie Bartlett: The universe.
Kip Crombwell: What about the universe?
Charlie Bartlett: Well, the universe is a pretty big place.
Kip Crombwell: Yea. It's infinite, theoretically.
Charlie Bartlett: Right, which means there's probably life on other planets.
Kip Crombwell: Not life like we think, but yeah. Probably at least single-cell organisms.
Charlie Bartlett: Well, see, that's my whole point. I mean you could've been born a single cell organism on the planet Zortex. In fact, given the odds, it's probably more likely, but you weren't. You we're born a human being. And not just any human being in the history of human beings, but a human being that gets to be alive today. That gets to listen to all kinds of music, that gets to eat food from every culture, that gets to download porn off the internet. So really, you have everything to live for.
Charlie Bartlett: Do you feel better?
Kip Crombwell: Not really

I think things in my life could be a lto worse, and I know this. I'm just impatient to see the good in the future.

Remember the Name

So I've finally decided to start a blogger. I'm not exactly sure why, but since lately my other mediums of expression have gotten me into trouble, I figure this is best. A lot of people don't understand how my mind works and sometimes, I don't either. I write my thoughts out. If something is troubling me or I'm confused, I write. Even when I don't think I need to write about anything, something always comes out. Right now, I'm in a transitioning stage in my life. From getting out of a relationship, starting to develop my career goals, understanding my religion, finding more about my biological family, and finding out just exactly makes me happy. I'm finding myself all over again. I'm a twenty year old, community college student. I can't drive, yet my car is sitting in my driveway. I have no official job and I live with my family. I attend church and I'm a youth leader. I have a lot of friends, but only a few I can call close to me. So stay tuned. This is just an intro to the wonderfully, wacky and weird life of Amanda.