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I hate how sometimes I can be on such a high and others I can get so low. I guess that's what I get for being bipolar. I hate mentioning this only because people brush that off as not a big deal. They joke around when someone has a mood swing and they call them 'bipolar' aka being a bitch. Really? It's nothing like that. For example, today was a normal day. Nothing extremely bad happened to me today but I feel extremely depressed. I want to lock myself in my room and let myself rot. I don't want to talk to anybody. I'd just like to keep everything quiet. I can't do this. What the outside sees of me is a bubbly, happy Amanda. That's the other side of being bipolar. The highs and lows. I used to be medicated to the point where my liver was failing and I felt like a walking zombie. I made my parents happy, I got good grades, I was happy with my boy-friend and life was good. But I was so so so unhappy. I couldn't stand myself. There are some days where I still can't even look at myself in the mirror. Honestly, life would be so much simpler if I could just be normal. I can't meet new people without look like an idiot. I tick people off on accident and don't even realize it. I'm awkward. I was always told, wait till you're older, you'll fit in. I'm twenty years old and I don't know where I'm going with this life of mine. I have no real plan of action, no goals. I have no desire or will power to achieve anything big. I have nothing big to look forward to. I have responsibility and commitments, and 75% of those I can't even keep. I need a break.