Turn my Swag On

Some things that people should know about me:

• Every boy that ever left me was for another girl, the boys I left I should have never dated in the first place because it was selfish of me to do so.
  
• My biggest goal is to make coffee table books of my photographs, I take as many pictures as I can because you never know when your going to get that million dollar shot.
  
• I've never met my biological father, nor do I really want to but I would like to meet my family.
  
• Throughout public education I was picked on almost everyday, so when I get a little upset when people tease, that's why.
• I've only believed three people when they called me beautiful, my mom, Liz and my ex, Bert.
  
• I used to be in dance since I was six. I would spend at 7 hours a week during the school year, and five hours everyday in the summer in the studio. When I was 13 I broke my ankle and I never could get back into the swing of things.
• I will give any type of music a chance, but only once. If it disappoints me I won't listen to it after that.
  
• I really want to travel to all the fashion capitals of the world. Paris, Milan, Tokyo, New York etc., meet my favorite designer, Betsy Johnson, and save up to buy a Louis Vuitton bag and a pair of Jimmy Choo's. =]
• I've been doing theater since I was 11. I've been in Grease, Lagooned, Starmites, Fiddler on the Roof, The Music Man, Les Miserables, and Oliver! My dream role is to be Lady of the Lake in Spamalot, and Miss Hanigan in Annie.
• I started taking pictures because I had this deep fear I was going to lose all of my memories so the pictures could remind me of my life.

Johnny

I was bored in math class, and this story just kinda came to me, so I just wrote it down. This has nothing to do with my life what so ever. Lemme know what you think.

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Why late at night,

Do the parents fight
Over the right to choose
Which weekend to spend

with their son and daughter?

Those mothers and fathers,
don't understand
with all their shouts and commands,

their screaming and their big demands.

When they don't even realize

that their precious little Johnny

is selling drugs,

and not hugs,

to those big bad thugs,
to pay for an abortion,
maybe extortion,
who knows?
He doesn't have a clue,
now what should he do?
He could have had it all,
but instead he hit a wall,
and when he falls
he doesn't have the urge to get up at all.
He's just so low,
his brain's so slow,
turned into mush
because he wants that rush.
He fell into the sky,
was up so high.
Now he needs to choose
which right to lose,
the right to be lost
or the right to be free and choose,
from these chains that bound;
oh the pain! that he's found.
Now he's all turned out like his mother & father
with the screams and the shouts.

Oh this vicious circle.

Down Down Down

I hate how sometimes I can be on such a high and others I can get so low. I guess that's what I get for being bipolar. I hate mentioning this only because people brush that off as not a big deal. They joke around when someone has a mood swing and they call them 'bipolar' aka being a bitch. Really? It's nothing like that. For example, today was a normal day. Nothing extremely bad happened to me today but I feel extremely depressed. I want to lock myself in my room and let myself rot. I don't want to talk to anybody. I'd just like to keep everything quiet. I can't do this. What the outside sees of me is a bubbly, happy Amanda. That's the other side of being bipolar. The highs and lows. I used to be medicated to the point where my liver was failing and I felt like a walking zombie. I made my parents happy, I got good grades, I was happy with my boy-friend and life was good. But I was so so so unhappy. I couldn't stand myself. There are some days where I still can't even look at myself in the mirror. Honestly, life would be so much simpler if I could just be normal. I can't meet new people without look like an idiot. I tick people off on accident and don't even realize it. I'm awkward. I was always told, wait till you're older, you'll fit in. I'm twenty years old and I don't know where I'm going with this life of mine. I have no real plan of action, no goals. I have no desire or will power to achieve anything big. I have nothing big to look forward to. I have responsibility and commitments, and 75% of those I can't even keep. I need a break.

If I Were a Boy

Maybe I should just leave now before I get hurt. I want whatever this thing is between us to work but if it's doomed to fail than I want to head out now and save myself from more heartache. Considering my past with men, history is bound to repeat itself. Fred left for Christina. Chris left for Hayley. Bert left for B.J. The others were me getting over myself, which I understand isn't right but, it's what happened. I want to play everything chill and calm, but I'm a girl and I give in to all my thoughts and anxieties. What if you're lying? What if you say this to all the girls? What if I'm not the only one? What if this is nothing? Why won't you text/call me back? Why do I have to have everything so tied into all of this, this whatever? Why isn't this labeled? Are we just friends? Are we more than friends? Am I just another notch in your belt? Who knows? I'm just going to try enjoy this time now, whatever this is. I'm terrified to get attached. In a year you're going to be over seas in war. The thought of losing you is scary. You could be gone in a matter of minutes and you're so calm and collected. How do you do it? Sometimes I feel like your from another planet.

Boys Boys Boys

This happens to me all the time. I give something my all and my patience runs out. I don't get the results I want right away so I obsess over it. "Hey, how ya doing?" is all I really need. Instead, I get "haha" or "lol". How frustrating. I just wish I knew where to draw the line between being the overbearing and getting what I want. I want them to come to me, not the other way around. I need to know when to quit. He says he likes me, but given my history with men, I do have a hard time trusting. I realize everyone is different and there are some very trustworthy people and some aren't. We said a lot of things, I'm just wondering when this fairy tale attitude will wear off. I'm just starting to make progress, or so I'd like to think, with my other attempt at a love life. Then this bomb is litterally thrown on me and I'm stuck with a, "what the heck?'. I can't keep him off my mind.

We never stop waiting for something.

I feel so unmotivated. I have nothing in my life that truly inspires me at the moment. I have no heartache to write about. I'm not learning any new life lessons. I have no muse. I don't have someone to bounce my ideas off of. I'm sucked dry of my creative energy. I wish I could just get up and be AMAZING! I don't know why I'm in this rut, and I wish I could dig myself out. I am excited for the summer though, I'm most likely going to take an anthropology class and a creative writing class, where we have eight on campus classes and then spending a week in Canada at a Biosphere. It seems like an amazing opportunity for me.

I'm trying to get to know new guys and explore dating, but when about half of the people you know are going to be moving within the next few months, getting into a relationship doesn't seem worth it. Where is the older slightly more mature, only ever so slightly, man comes and wipes all these other - for lack of better word - boy on their butts. I'm trying to reach out of my shell. I'm trying to talk to new people, and get out of my comfort zone. It's just a very slow process. I find myself staring or over-talking. I get so flabbergasted that I just don't know what to do with myself. Someone should put me through dating classes or something. I feel like I'm in quicksand and I'm slowly sinking deeper and deeper the more I try. I'm afraid to take a step and risk my self-esteem - which is hardly 100% to begin with.

"I like you."

You'd think things could be simpler.